I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
