I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
