Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
