Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
