Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
