So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
