Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
