Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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