I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
