Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
