So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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