a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
