bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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