I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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