I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
