forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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