At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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