what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
