My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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