i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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