Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
