mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
