does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
