I accidentally burped into my bong.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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