Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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