That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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