i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
