no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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