Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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