just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
