He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize