I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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