mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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