Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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