Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
