I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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