don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
