I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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