I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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