why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i dont even know how to be here
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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