If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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