apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
