Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I wear drunk well.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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