Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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