so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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