I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
