P.S. I can't hear my feet
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
