i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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