My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
