At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
