I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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