What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
