Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
