one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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