better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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