You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
