Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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