Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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