When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
