Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
