I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
