I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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