I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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