best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
