next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
